what even am i saying?

not sure if this marks the end, or the beginning – or if it just marks a change in my life. one thing i  can say, is that change was needed. for quite some time, i haven’t been happy, as hard as that is to admit – its been harder to live with. does anyone ever get that feeling that everyone is living and you’re just existing? its quite the pill to swallow.

i have realised something, you need to really hit rock bottom in order to come back from it. i have the scouts badge, cuts and bruises to confirm i visited rock bottom, rented a flat there and held a self indulgent pity party. thankfully i’m planning my exit strategy. although, i have come to terms with the fact that its not going to be a quick and easy fix.

you see, i could blame everything around me for why i feel so sh*t. everyone who is getting engaged, buying a house, settling down, moving on, celebrating, and what am i doing? just existing. i am just meh. but now i grant the question – what am i doing about it? the image above shows the end of my media city chapter. the house i moved to mid pandemic, to ‘start over’. did this save my life or make it worse? not sure, but if we are being honest, that flat saw the very best of me, but equally my darkest times. its really important to admit our feelings and talk about them, and well since i live alone and have no significant other – my person to talk to hasn’t been there, its been none existent. with that has come a downward spiral of sad, depression and some toxic thoughts, that i’m ashamed of, but thankfully i didn’t let my head overtake my life. quite literally.

i don’t want to sit here, and dwell on the past and ask for your sympathy, because that is really selfish of me. that’s one thing i have equally come to realise – i always relied on others to lift me up, and when there was no-one i couldn’t see a way forward. with that, i realised that only i can take care of number one. i wanted to run away from my problems, change jobs, move house and leave manchester – but actually, what was that going to do if i couldn’t stand my own company? let alone inflict that on others. you see, when you’re lonely, and depressed – you think its everyone else, but maybe its me? am i the drama? is it me? no seriously – i need to be happy in my own company, before i can be happy around anyone else. that’s a rough thing to realise.

‘they say before something great happens to you, everything falls apart’

i think i stand by this statement, but i also need to take this time to draw the line, and start fresh, with a whole load of #pma. i bore myself with how miserable i sound, and how i can never catch a break. i’m taking small steps to get myself better, little by little. so i guess this is, thank you for bearing with me, i really appreciate it.

on a less heavy note, here is a fun fact, as a nineties kid – s club, bring it all back, changes your life at thirty one. it hits different.

‘try not to worry ’bout a thing, enjoy the good times life can bring
keep it all inside you, gotta let the feelings show

imagination is the key, ’cause you are your own destiny
you never should be lonely, when time is on your side

don’t you know it’s true what they say, things are sent to try you
but your time’s coming around, so don’t you stop tryin’

don’t stop, never give up, hold your head high and reach the top
let the world see what you have got, bring it all back to you’

i am not ashamed to say, that it wasn’t all self discovery, and personal growth – i needed to get help. text shout to 85258 really helped me when i had no-one to talk to, because sometimes a familiar face is too rough in the beginning. i also learnt how to break down in front of the people who i needed the most, so i could let them in to help me.

i’ve read this back about forty seven times now, and still not even sure if i should post it, and whether i sound like i am craving attention. but the reality is – i need a release and to get these thoughts out to the world. its august eighth, the day to manifest all the good in the world.. so here goes.

mental health matters. men can cry.

be real. be honest. be you.